And when we say ‘worst’, we mean ‘ever-so slightly less incredible’.
Happy birthday to Rihanna, otherwise known as Ri Ri, Aunty Ri, the gwurlz’ favourite beauty boss, the Grammy award-winning billionaire, and her most recent title of pride: mama-of-two.
Rihanna – being one the most prolific woman to grace music, business, and the entertainment industry – is an icon to many.
We were all reminded of that during that monumental Apple Music Super Bowl LVII Halftime Show performance just last week. The mother of the navy danced on a wobbly glass platform with no lip, 60 feet above a football field while pregnant, and although critiques had opinions, arguably, that is not for the faint hearted.
Becoming the 2nd richest female Black entertainer in the world is no easy feat. This Bajan babe did it though, by building a beauty empire (a little something called Fenty Beauty) a fashion and lingerie empire (through Savage x Fenty) and a music empire via 14 number one singles on Billboards’ Hot 100. She’s even turned her attention to acting (we all saw her gritty performance as Nine Ball in Ocean’s 8). Name someone with a sexier CV? We’ll wait…
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Superfans and Navy members will tell you firsthand how her passion for philanthropy and her drive to diversify spaces that failed to cater to Black women is unmatched, and the way she constantly rides for the underdog makes us all love her even more.
However, here at GLAMOUR, we truly believe that as lovely as this baby number two news is, it’s diverging the conversation from the question of the century…
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We hate to be those people, but don’t let this wonderful news distract you from the fact that the promise of an album is not forgotten. But since Rihanna is busy cooking up her bubba número dos, and running her billion-dollar beauty and fashion empire, instead, we’ll celebrate Rihanna’s greatest hits (and the ones that, in our humble opinion, just lacked that extra Ri-Ri magic, and should have well and truly been kept in the draft folder).
Don’t come for us, Navy members…
Rihanna’s 10 best songs of all time, ranked:
10. Pon De Replay, Music of the Sun
It was only right to include the breakout song that bought Rihanna into our lives. We were all hypnotised by her beauty from that iconic music video that had MTV and all the music channels on a chokehold. This track got tweens and teens everywhere doing up beginners belly-dancing. Oh, what a time.
9. Hate That I Love You, Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded
Hear us out! If you didn’t cry over this song when your year eight crush didn’t pair up with you on the school trip, then did you even go to school? A sweet, sweet song with none other than Ne-Yo in his prime, fedora hat era. In this Good Girl Gone Bad album, Rihanna’s vocals and range went wild. We can hear her doing-up head voice with confidence, and this was a peak R&B track that perhaps didn’t get the recognition it deserved.
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8. Diamonds, Unapologetic
The range Ri, the range. This was one of those times we really heard a solid confident riff from Rihanna. Every man and his dog did their own cover version of this mid-tempo ballad: the acoustic version, the country version, the acapella version, even the X Factor finalist version. If everyone is covering a song, best believe it’s a good one. The Superbowl half-time rendition topped it though. Just wow.
7. Rude Boy, Rated R
Let’s play finish the sentence: “Come here rude, boy boy can you… come here rude, boy boy is you…” See, everyone that lived outside of a rock knows the chorus and the hook of this song off by heart. We understand that having something catchy doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good, but this song was phenomenal. Okay, so lyrically, we may not have poetry on our hands, but the beat? Dare you to put the song on and not pull a body-roll-with-gun-fingers dance move. Dare you.
6. Take A Bow, Good Girl Gone Bad
Karaoke stans will agree with us on this one. This was one of Rihanna’s greatest ballads ever. Many said it was written about her tumultuous relationship with ex and fellow artist Chris Brown. Either way, many women could relate to and it always sits well in the heartbreak playlist.
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5. Needed Me, Anti
This song has recently made the rounds again on TikTok six years post-release. Longevity is a true testament to how good this tune was. The syncopated riff on the ‘Needed needed me’ part is perfection, not to mentioned the ‘didn’t I tell you that I was a savage, f*ck your white horse and a carriage’ bar… whew! It’s a boss tune, not quite a heartbreak song, but it’s empowering, sexy, and dark, and we love it.
4. Bitch Better Have My Money, Anti
The song that needs no introduction. Produced by one of the best producers of all time — Kanye West — this song will have you living your best imaginary Pablo Escobar life. The single was gritty and fun, the music video was provocative and captivating. This tune always was and always will be our national anthem.
3. Pour It Up, Unapologetic
This raw and shameless ode to bling and strippers had to make it to the top three. It’s edgy, fun, and liberating, throwing a middle finger to patriarchy all while getting us all on our feet. The release of this song really created a cultural reset. Big tune! Need we say more?
2. What’s My Name, Loud
“Oh na na, what’s my name” Ahh this song defined the decade. The collaboration of dreams, at a time when we all suspected that the Pop Princess and Rap King i.e. Drake were doing couple goals for us. A time when Rihanna gave us fiery red curls, so we all went ahead and got ourselves some red curls. From the 808 kick-drum style which defines ’80s hip-hop, to the harmonies. This is music at its finest!
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1. Work, Anti
“Work, work, work, work, work.” Name a more motivational, fun and iconic pop culture moment? This dancehall and reggae-pop-inspired riddim once again featuring the biggest rap star of the moment — Drake — smashed the Billboard 100 and remained at the top for nine weeks straight and with good reason. The rhythmic explosions, the vocals from Ri, the melodic rap from Drake, it all bought this perfectly imperfect tune together. Our favourite part you ask? The bit where she says: “work”, so of course, this song had to make it to top two, and it ain’t number two! *in our best Drake voice*
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Bonus admission: Umbrella, Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded
We had to throw in a special mention for the song that broke the internet, plus it featured Jay-Z. A moment in time, a cultural reset, it obviously deserves an honorary place in the top 10.
Whew! Mama Ri Ri really had some tunes.
Disclaimers: We thought about that insensitive ‘keeping it in the drafts’ comment earlier in this piece, and in reality, we all agreed that Rihanna doesn’t actually have ten BAD songs. We were very much grasping at straws here, but in our humble opinion, here are ten that didn’t earn their place on the greatest hits album.
And here are Rihanna’s 10 ‘worst’ songs of all time:
10. Shut Up And Drive, Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded
Dear Navy, before you come for us, hear us out. These rockstar Rihanna tunes didn’t give all they were ‘supposed to have gave’. It’s not one of the worst songs ever, it’s just not one of Rihanna’s best?
9. S.O.S, A Girl like Me
The lyrics were a little lazy on this one. Fine, we see the irony of us saying this after naming ‘Work’ as our favourite number one song — except that on this one, the beat felt repetitive and a little hard to dance to. Rihanna lost us at: “You got me tossin’ and turnin’, can’t sleep at night”, — Insert Rihanna dancing meme — but it’s was too much for us. As the leader of the Navy, how can you be weak in the knees Ri? STAND UP! It’s just that it felt off-brand so we had to mark it down.
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8. Disturbia, Good Girl Gone Bad
Before you lose your mind, there is a reason why Disturbia is in the dog house with us. It was simply overplayed. The quality did not match the popularity and for that reason we had to mark it down. It was giving gothic Rihanna, and we liked that, but the song did not live up to the standard of her other hit singles.
7. Roc Me Out, Rated R
It’s not that it’s a bad song. It’s just that it’s probably the least memorable from this Rated R album. This was Rihanna’s alter ego album and we just needed a bit more from this tune. Even the big-sounding synths couldn’t save this one.
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6. Raining Men, Loud
The only raining men recognisable enough to be replayed is the one by The Weather Girls. For that reason alone this song fails to make it to the greatest hits.
5. Photographs, Rated R
Again, this is another one of those not-so-bad songs but with forgettable tune and cliche lyrics like “All I’ve got are these photographs”. In a sea of Rihanna heavy-hitting one-liners and hard beats, we just needed a bit more.
4. Fire Bomb, Rated R
Underwhelming if anything. A nice song, with nice lyrics, but Ri’s set the bar high, and this didn’t hit it.
3. Music Of The Sun, Music Of The Sun
This song was cute, but we’ve heard something like this in a Latin version of Eurovision, or in a local open mic night. Cute, but no more worthy to hit the greatest hits list than the ones above.
2. Rush, Music Of The Sun
Okay, so this song is fun, and it’s very much in the spirit of Music Of The Sun, with an island sound. However, this wasn’t the song where Rihanna’s vocals were at their peak and the riffs and runs were safe and we don’t really know Rihanna to play it ‘safe’. So we’re tapping out from this one too.
1. There’s A Thug In My Life, Music Of The Sun
Aside from the questionable name, this is definitely a tune from Rihanna’s debut album ‘Music Of The Sun’ which should have stayed in the draft folder.
To end on a good note though, here is message to the queen: Happy Birthday, Rihanna, thank you for creating the perfect soundtrack for our lives, hope to hear more from you soon! xoxo
For more from Glamour UK Beauty & Entertainment Assistant Shei Mamona, follow her on Instagram @sheimamona
