One of my friends shared her birth story with me recently and after listening to her I was in tears. The reason was not simple but was extremely emotional. She had a complex delivery and after that, she faced the hardest time of her life. Her baby was not well after coming out so immediately doctors sent the tiny baby to Newborn and Infant Critical Care Unit. Day after her delivery, she got discharged but the baby was there for a whole week. As a mother I could imagine how difficult this separation was for her. If I try to write what happened to her, I might not be able to do justice in explaining her feelings. Still I want to express what she shared with me. Here’s her story in her own words:
“I don’t read birth stories because mine was horrible and I don’t want to recall it again and again. Those first few hours of my son’s life when he needed to be with her mother was stolen by someone. I was carrying a normal pregnancy and I was very positive about giving birth to my first baby. Finally the day arrived and my in-laws took me to the hospital. The lady doc did some observations and she informed my in-laws that due to some complication it couldn’t be a normal delivery. She advised a C-sec. Being with my in-laws and in absence of my husband (which was unfortunate), I couldn’t utter a word. My in-laws rejected her proposal and they decided to visit another gyne for second opinion. They thought the lady doc was trying to make money by going for C-sec. Poor me and my baby; we didn’t have any option but to agree with’em.
In-laws took me to a new hospital and there also, the attending doc explained about complication after going through the reports. However, she agreed to try for a normal delivery. All this took more than 24 hours and finally doctors gave me pain inducing medicine. I was in pain and so was my baby. Because of delaying the delivery, the baby was suffocating inside. Few hours after labour start, my baby came out but he was not able to breathe properly. Urgently, my baby was shifted to NICCU for starting treatments. Honestly, I was kind of okay not giving birth to my baby the way I wanted; just because he was little better than no hope. But few memorable things I missed couldn’t come back. I missed my son’s first cry, his first view, his first touch, his first eye opening, his first yarn, his first feed and even his first pee and poo.
I had become a mother but my little soul was away from me. I was only allowed to see him through a glass door. I wanted to take him in my hands and talk to him. I wanted to feel him close to me. How could I be so ill-fated to let my son suffer this much? But I was seeing all this and I was in deep pain. I used to cry a-lot with the thought of any miss happening. I was praying for my son. I didn’t left any Hindu God-Goddess to whom I didn’t requested relief for my son. I tried to read every holly book which could bring some peace for me. But I was having no luck. I used to visit my son everyday until he got discharged and used to sit outside NICCU for hours. I used to try to peep inside whenever any hospital attendant opened the door. But sadly I was not allowed to go inside. I was in anguish not being able to feed my newborn. Milk was overflowing and every time I changed cloths, I cursed myself for agreeing to my in-laws decision. I should have opposed them. Thankfully, doctors asked me to give my feed so that they can give it to my suffering baby.
After 6 days, my baby got discharged. I took him in my arms and I said sorry to my baby for more than hundred times. I was sorry for my wrong decision. I was feeling guilty for making him suffer this much. Things got okay in next few days as I was having my precious gem in my lap. I was grateful to God for making my son come out of it safely. I still wish I had thought about such conditions. I would have made my mind about complex delivery. I would have questioned my inlaws when they decided to ‘try’ for a normal delivery. Were they not afraid of any accident?
Today when I read blogs people complaining about how painful the birth of their child was, I want to tell them that painful birth is unconditionally okay if you get your baby safely in your hands. Things I missed out, give even more painful experience to a mother if birth go unplanned. Whenever I see posts on Facebook, Twitter or anywhere else, people sharing first snaps for their babies, I get to remember the video of my baby’s first cry which my husband had taken looking through that NICCU glass door. Now my son is 3 years old and all day I’m around him only. But, even now I still have that scar, a horrible pain filled lump above it, and the emotional pain that will never go away. And I must say that my son’s giggle and naughty acts makes me realize that despite everything that happened on the day my son first visited the world, he is mine and will be mine forever.”
